Questioning my own path
The grind has been tough the past months, we started off this year amazing with a $10K month. Since that, we've had a lot of runs, but we have been bricking most of them, highlights were 12th in the Mini Million, 11th in the Bounty $11, 7th in the Hotter $11, all on sundays, where they all had between 16-24K for 1st. That was even at the beginning of the year, we were having $10k month, it sucked, but it was whatever.
Since that, we've had a lot of 20th place finishes, runs coming to an end in cruel ways. It is the way of the road, we've all been there.Yet I show up every single day, at the time of writing this, we are on a 75 day streaming streak. We are working 13/14 hours a day, streaming, studying, creating content, working for RaiseYourEdge. Why is that relevant?
It isn't really, it just shows that even when times are really rough, also mentally, I keep working and going. It is definitely not a plea of why I should have results or anything like that, I know that good things don't come easy, I am pursuing something that only 1% gets because the other 99% didn't have it in them to get it. But the thing is, I start questioning my own path and it scares me. People not believing in you, people not rooting for you, people hoping you are going to do something else than poker, is what it is, you can zone that out. But once you start questioning it yourself, then what?
I just don't know how it feels anymore to win.
I feel like I have been playing really well lately and that I have been doing a decent job at creating content and streaming. But it is so tough to keep the things that go well into mind when you keep bricking, keep not having results at the felt. The reason why I start to question my own path, is not necessarily because I don't have belief in my own capabilities, it is definitely one of the causes, but right now the thing that really makes me question my path is: if it is already getting the upper hand of me, when I have no expenses, nothing to lose other than people's belief/support and maybe some of my ego, then how is it gonna be when all the shit is on me? When I do have expenses? I know it is a process, but am I capable of what I am signing up for? Will I have my shit together by then?
The thing is, I don't know. I also don't know what else I would otherwise like to do, if you told me I could do whatever I wanted to do and it would flourish, then nothing is really popping out. Don't get me wrong, I still do really like streaming, creating content, creating a community and you guys doing well and saying I helped with that, is inspiring me so much, it is really humbling. Just right now, the pokergrind is dominating my thoughts. It is scientifically proven that we need the lows, to be enable to enjoy the highs. Otherwise we get accustomed to the highs and don't appreciate them enough. But the thing is, I don't have a work/life balance, my work life is my happiness. When things go bad at the grind, it affects my day to day happiness and that is tough.
I don't really have a solution for that, other than bringing some balance in my life. But right now, there is nothing to balance it with for me. Every job, everything in general, has it's upsides and downsides. Right now we have just been seeing a lot of the dark side of poker. I don't know if I am going to be able to handle it once shit is really on me, right now I would say no, but it's a process and we are aware of it and we are improving at it. For the time being, that is all we can do. Embrace the process. Worrying about later, doesn't get us anywhere.
Writing everything out here, helps to give me a better overview in my so cluttered brain at those times. Makes me see the bullshit I throw up for myself. Everyone that was hoping I was going to take the L here and quit, sorry but I think you have to wait. I am not finished yet. Everyone that wants the best for Team DiggingWinning, let's unite. Some go through it right now, some may go through it later on, but we ain't leaving anyone behind...