Emptiness

Another week has passed and to be honest... mindset seems off.. feeling somewhat similar as last year. Not as focussed, hollow/empty... auto-pilotting... out of nowhere to be honest. I have rewritten this blog update multiple times, while I never do that, just because I don't know how or what to write. Because I do not understand it myself, yet...I am probably having everything I was initially looking for, especially if you look at the goals we have been setting, I am on the right path for almost all of them. Yet, I am feeling empty, not fulfilled. The feeling of still not doing enough, still not enough growth.. feeling of being replaceable.

Whether those things are true or not doesn't matter. Happiness, confidence, self-esteem, it comes from the inside. If you would ask me, what is it then that you are looking for? What can we do to make you happier? Then my answer would be: I don't know. The only thing that may not be going as great as I was hoping it to go, is the stream. The numbers kinda support that as well: Click here to see the average viewercounts and that is tough.. I feel like I have been putting in a lot of work, improved a ton on a lot of areas, yet it doesn't really reflect that in the numbers. And that is tough, maybe I think I am improving and putting in a lot of work, but maybe I am fooling myself... But is that it? 100 things going well, achieving all the things you may have wished for, but not happy because you do not really get things rolling on Twitch? Nah that ain't it....So what is it then? What is stopping me from being my best self, from being happy and fulfilled?

Insecurity

I am trying to discover that while writing this blog. I honestly don't know... my guess is insecurity. Feeling of being replaceable, feeling of not being good enough, feeling of not being important.. but why? I don't like saying it as it seems bit braggy but... we are getting opportunities not many get. We are getting results at poker... Why am I feeling like shit? It's so illogical.. that's why I don't understand it... it comes out of nowhere. It's probably a surprise for you as well. If we are on a downswing or something, it makes sense to maybe feel that way, but now?

So just like always, the question is: and what now? Okay we feel the way we do.. what can we do to change that and get back on crushing? I think first of all, that writing this blog helps.. getting a clear view. Maybe I just gotta accept that I have those feelings sometimes, that I just gotta continue doing what I am doing, continue trying to improve, continue to meditate, write down goals, read... I don't know what else to do.

Anyway, other than that shit. Things have been good. Been spending more time with family and friends, poker is going well.. Consistency of content is still there. Still meditating and reading every day. Trying to engage more in discord's, reviewing more hands. Just that feeling...