Afraid to fail
We are one week into 2019 and it hasn't been the flying start as I had in mind. Which is completely on me.Volume has been fairly low, starting from December and that while we had a good December. Of course have been spending time with family and friends but still I would have liked to put in more volume.Main things it has to do with I reckon? Not enough structure, causing to have a bad sleep schedule and not be as energized and productive as I would like to be.But there is another cause, confidence and being afraid to fail. I know that may sound weird.. but I think there are more players that experience the same. This is what Ben said on this topic:
"They study a lot, don't necessarily have tilt issues but have a hard time playing and putting in volume. Because you are afraid to lose, afraid of rejection. If you study a lot and work hard, your ego can tell you the story of being a winning player, that you beat the game and you know everything. However, when you play, your ego might get crushed when you lose. So your ego tries to keep that false picture alive by giving you a hard time to play a lot. You can take it further: a lot of players have the problem that they always quit when they ran good. They plan to play for 3 hours, but when they are up heaps they guit after 1 hour. Why? Because it feels so good for the ego being up. This validation of being a winning player is more valuable than playing a solid session"- Bencb
I think it is true... I find it tough to continue registering when getting showered everywhere, I find it tough to continue registering after having won a tournament or when going deep. And it is a massive obstacle if you want to do this for a living, because you have to put in volume. This is where it has always been going wrong for me. When I have the "beginners mindset" where everything is fun and you have no expectations, I am a machine and cannot be stopped. But as soon as I start putting in more time and effort into something, expectations start to come. I can live with not winning every day, I got there. I can live with not having a winning month, I got there. Off-table I am completely fine with losing. But while playing... I find it very very tough. I can take the bad beats, but continuing registering? That is draining me a lot, just as not being confident. I find it tough to play a lot when not confident, when second guessing myself a lot. Running into top of peoples ranges and losing? No worries, I am not tilting. But I do start doubting myself.
Now that that is out there, what can we do about it? I think it always starts with recognizing and admitting at first. I will be continuing to meditate, which basically learns you how to accept things. I will be finishing Think and Grow Rich this month and hope to start with Ego is the enemy in February. Fixing this flaw, has to be my top priority, I have to choose it over putting in volume, creating content and streaming. Is it fun? No. But if I don't fix this, I will never be able to put in the volume that I want and that is needed, while I know I can.