Why I didn't play poker for a few days
As you may have noticed I haven't been playing much poker the past week, everything else has been business as usual. Things have been a bit weird when it comes to playing, I enjoy everything else that I have been doing and I am also pumped to play but 30 min into the session... I just wanna get out. I have been trying to push myself to focus and play to the best of my ability, with success, but it is really draining.What I think has been causing distress is the difference between how I am feeling or doing and how I and others think I am supposed to feel and do. People come in chat every single day, wondering and asking why I am not playing poker. It makes me feel like I am letting them down. But I also know that I stand for chasing happiness and if playing poker myself is currently not making me feel pumped, then I shouldn't play. So it causes this weird dynamic of if I push myself to play poker, I am not fully enjoying it and people will sense that. But if I do something else than playing poker, people will also be disappointed in me and that will make me feel bad too.
I am the only one in my way
We used to be able to grind, like really grind and fully enjoy it. Difference between then and now is probably more than I would like to admit: expectations. Expectations of I probably should enjoy playing, but also I should know what to do in spot X, Y and Z. The thing is, that is just not always the case. There are going to be moments I don't enjoy and feel like playing. There are going to be moments, I am not fully focused. There are going to be spots where I don't know what to do. And that should be fine. I should be completely okay with that and accept it, which is different than being upset with the fact I don't feel or do the way I am maybe supposed to. Only when I am able to make that change, I will be able to fully enjoy playing again.So I will be working with meditation to improve accepting, one of the methods I can think of is noting. Headspace has all kinds of packs, which I will just be working with. Another thing is starting the stream 1 hour into the session. Currently I wake up, have 1 hour to prepare for the stream and then it is showtime. Have to be completely focused on playing and streaming right off the bat, unfortunately I am not always in the right mindset right away. Which makes me vulnerable to results and people's opinions. I hope by playing the first hour on my own, I allow myself to first get into the right mode. Not having to divide my focus at first.So we will be giving this a shot Monday for the first time, coming days only have the study session planned on Thursday 7pm CEST and other than that.. preparing for powerfest and working on my game and mindset. I hope for your understanding and let's use this as a stepping stone. Once I am out of my own way... good shit will happen.