What are my goals?
First of all I want to thank you guys for your guys input, your guys kind words, it really means a lot, almost makes my eyes all watery. Anyway last time we talked about the Why, today I want to talk about what I have been doing and what my goals are, but I also wanna refer back to what Ben said: Detachment.
Mindset
Lately I have been doing pretty good, not results wise, but work/life wise, which is what matters. Been putting out an insane amount of content, really consistently, been putting in more volume, been feeling overall pretty good. We of course all have our bad days, 2 days ago I had one. I became mad at myself for… I don’t even know, not a good reason at least, which followed by me getting mad at myself for being mad at myself. A vicious circle, a downwards spiral you don’t really want to be in, luckily I have been getting much better at getting out of it, where like in the past I would be down for a month.
Today, as Pokerstars was having a server restart, I did a study session on stream, people seemed to like it and it went quite well. But I still had that feeling, which I also have when things are going poorly, or when I am studying on my own and I don’t know something. The anxiety of not knowing something, not performing well. It doesn’t hold me back very often, but I caught myself on it holding me back from doing my preflop to river analyses, because I felt like I would very often get lost by not knowing things for sure. Today I just went out there and did it, small step by small step, practice makes perfect, telling myself it is okay to not know things, that is why we are studying after all. But I still had that bad feeling, you would think it is because I am afraid of peoples judgement, that I value their opinion on me over my own. But I was thinking and I came to a conclusion, I had my eureka moment.
I asked myself a few questions on my lil whiteboard and tried to answer them, something that I do a lot. It is basically just looking at where things go wrong or where things can be improved, being your own coach. Anyway, I was asking myself why I feel so bad when I am not performing well, or not knowing something for example. And the answer is just that I am afraid, afraid of losing respect for myself and losing others’ respect. It is that lack of self esteem, I seem to need that affirmation for myself. It is literally the same as what Ben said, but now it is all crystal clear for me. When I don’t do well, my self esteem drops, I start to self deprecate. Good thing of what I am doing:
The more reflective, the more we can detach ourself, the more we start questioning things, question ourselves, questioning our skills and abilities.
*-bencb
Key to success:
BUT, the same level of detachment we need also when we feel like we are not good enough, to regain confidence and momentum. *-bencb
So basically I will be working on finding out how to increase my self esteem and how to detach better so it doesn’t lower again.The difference between now and 2 weeks ago, is that I didn’t know the exact cause of the problems, I knew that it had to do with not performing well, so my fix to that was focusing on improving rather than the results. But results are not the issue, it is the lack of self esteem. Not doing well, lowers that, so if we increase it and become better at detaching, then we made a huge leap forward.
Goals
Okay now that that is out there, let’s get to what I have been up to and what things I will be doing.So when I came back from holiday, I wanted to triple down on creating content, studying and putting in volume.Steps that I have taken to achieve that:
– Waking up earlier, allows me to grind in the morning -> lower variance, also less people streaming, gives me more freedom for the night to study or create content for Youtube etc. Where before I used to wake up at 2pm, dressed up, checked socials, checked discord etc and then it was already time for dinner, prepared for the stream, streamed, then it was 12-2am and I went to bed and the next day same story. When the grind wasn’t good, the whole day wasn’t good, because all the other hours weren’t productive, this was really draining and led to lots of struggles
– Being even more self aware, when not feeling great for whatever reason, being able to stop grinding to not do more damage. To then go on and see what caused it to not feel well, to then fix it and make it less likely from happening again.
– Pushing yourself to study, accepting that it is okay to not know things. Even doing just one hand a day, you are building a positive association.
– Sharing what I just wrote, I knew before that there were lots and lots of people that struggle with whatever problem they have. I shared this stuff last year as well on stream, main response I got then was that I was weak and being a cry baby, but I just kept doing it, because I believed it was the right thing to do. Showing both sides of the coin, by doing so also helping others.That’s what I am trying to accomplish with my stream: helping each other to reach our fullest potential, having each others backs in good and bad times, knowing that we are in this together and that together we can do great things. Growing as a collective is greater than success as an individual.
Okay my goals, not sure if you heard yet of the Platinum Pass that RunItUp is giving away, but they are giving one away to the next top Twitch streamer. I was planning working my ass off anyway, but it is a sick opportunity that they juice it up with such a porkchop, but like I said earlier, money should never be your drive for the long term.
– Stream 100 days in a row, but as the outcome of the Platinum Pass giveaway is on November 15th, I will push it to 158 days in a row, but I will just continue happily after.
– Stream 1000 hours in consecutive days by November 15th
– Put out a Youtube video every Friday (https://goo.gl/go19UT)
– Study 1 hand every day
– Read 1 chapter of a book (right now: Think and Grow rich – Napoleon Hill) each week
Those are my main goals for now, other plans that I have:
– Create more strategy content on Twitch -> highlights for socials
– Start doing something with voice, probably a podcast.
– continue to blog
– continue to build up momentum with studying
– Find a way to increase self esteem and improve detachment
Once again thank you guys for reading, means more than you think. I will end with something that I am gonna read every day from now on, so I won’t forget it.
PS: We are tough motherfuckers and we can make it and we have the dedication, patience and focus which 99% of people don’t. We just need to show up every single day.
*- Bencb