What am I doing it for?
The past few days have been rather difficult, for some reason I always feel urged to tell that I am not even on a downswing. Very often people think that is the only reason why you are not feeling pumped in the poker world. After you win a poker tournament, you only have a short burst of happiness. I won the $11 powerfest for $2.2k or the $109 bounty for $1.9k, of course I was super grateful and happy. Getting all the congratulation messages.. but it is important to not ride that high in the first place. Because it makes you dependent on it and when you then don't get that dopamine hit for a while, you crash. But that is not what is happening, I am missing the fulfillment and satisfaction and not the dopamine hit of winning. So even shortly after winning something, I have the feeling of whatever. Because it doesn't change anything in the grand scheme of things. It rises the question of: What am I doing it for?
My main intent has been chasing happiness and by documenting my journey helping other people to become the best versions of themselves and helping them to get theirs. Which is great, it is an indefinite goal so you can always keep going. Problem is, how do you know whether you are getting closer or are achieving that goal? Is it the amount of viewers you have? The amount of followers? The amount of kind messages? You can't know, it will never be enough, because you will get accustomed to the ever growing of all those metrics. Chasing happiness I said, what makes me happy? Helping other people to do what they enjoy the most. So it is a loop. Sometimes that circle doesn't complete itself, because you can't measure how well you are doing and then you fall in a gap where you ask yourself: what am I doing it for?
It is no one's job either to tell me that or to tell me all the time I am doing great, it has to come from within. It's crazy that we have those mindset swings constantly, but like I said it is a loop. It is easy to keep going when you are busy and you run, run and run. But when I then stop for a moment and look around, it makes me question things. Life is a game of alternatives though, you never know what could have been. So knowing that, I put my head down again and continue going. But it's never going to change this way. Maybe I should not worry about it and just try to enjoy and not worry about the what if's. Financial goals don't really interest me or working towards a Tesla. Of course we try to grow and make more, it is the currency of the game, but it is not the end goal. So maybe I have to find that north star. Beating X stakes, playing Y tournaments, doing a bankroll challenge, that ain't it.
Anyway, it's something to think about. Not going to play any of the poker series that are coming up, going to continue grinding the morning and afternoon. I am the most productive on this schedule, plus it is the best for growing the brand as there will be less competition in the mornings. Plus there is less variance in the morning for what it's worth. Really looking forward to Lex Live 2 in London next month. Which is one of the fruits of what we are doing, really looking forward to meet everyone of my community and the other communities.