It's about the chase
It is exactly one week since we had a big score, 1st in the $22 Mini Thursday Thrill for $4.2k! Great you would say and it certainly is, don't get me wrong, but it also brings some struggles that I would like to discuss.Winning the thrill felt... amazing of course! It came once again out of a bad day, where all the tournaments go to shit and you are left with 1 or 2 tables. It was even a day that I turned off the stream pretty early, something I never really did.
Why did I do it though? The past weeks I have been setting myself goals, in order to try to be the best version of myself, including being the best streamer I can be. So I did last week, as well as today actually. Both Thursday's.. it didn't go as planned. Yes we busted a lot of tournaments, yes we ran into it a lot, yes we maybe did not play as we could... but the main reason why I decided to shutdown the stream was because I was not matching my expectations/goals. On stream I want to be in control, I want to create a show, increase the quality, yet maintain great interaction with chat in order to give you guys the best value. And I have been capable of doing this some days/weeks. But there still seems to be a weakspot, where I get pulled out of that mindset. Where I start to talk less, be less energetic, dwelll more... then I start to notice that and get frustrated at myself for making that mistake again which makes it only worse.
Progress takes time
I have been getting better at it and I still improve slowly... but it takes time.. I have talked about it before in my blogs as well. But sometimes I get impatient and want more of myself, mainly because I know better. But it comes from the subconscious mind and it lies deep, so I don't think there is a quick fix. I am working on it, by acknowledging the fact that these situations occur, by meditating, by reading books about those topics, watch the RYE mindset course... but once again, it takes time and practice. I think it is a combination of factors that causes it, which makes it tougher to tackle. One of the things is that I cannot always detach myself from things, not always capable of not paying attention to ignorant comments.. not always capable of accepting that I am not at my best. Whether that is focus, poker, streaming.. self-deprecation creeps in and from there we only go downhill. I think it is smart that nowadays I decide to turn off the stream when it happens, not because I am ashamed of it or that I want to front that everything is great.
Not at all, otherwise I wouldn't be talking about it here. More because streaming always amplifies things, it makes the highs higher and the lows way lower. At the end there are so many voices and when you are emotional, they can effect you.. and the majority of the time that will be negative, even when people mean it with good intentions. Because people lack context, most don't actually know what is going on, how could they? So I think it is better that I close myself off the public when it happens and get things straight again in my head.That was the reason why there was a short stream today, it creeped in again. I got frustrated by it, I get overwhelmed... and then can't snap out of it anymore. I think it is just a matter of time, as I am working on it very hard and have been making tremendous progress. Just have to be a little bit more patient, less perfectionistic and not put as much pressure on myself as I am currently.
It is fine to not have the knowledge in poker of Bencb, it is fine to not have the mindset of Garyvee, it is fine to not have the broadcasting skills of Jcarver... like fuck... where will I be when I am as old as them? I can't expect to gather all the knowledge and skills they have gathered over 10-20 years within 2.
The score didn’t change much
Anway, little bit of a detour there, the score! You would expect that such a score gives you a huge boost in confidence. It really didn't. There were so many spots in that tournament where I was unsure, where I probably f*cked up big time. But also... because I know that a score doesn't change anything. You don't all of a sudden have more knowledge after a score. But also because I don't find long term happiness out of scores. I said it when the tournament ended as well, nothing changes just that my net worth is a bit higher now. Last year I had a great January as well and people expect you to be happy and energized and what not after... but for me.. it is more emptiness. Okay now we won a tournament, great.
Last year after January the grind was really tough, so I knew what it took me to get this score again. So this time I did follow some advice people in chat gave me and took my mom and grandmom out for lunch, which is of course really cool that I am capable of doing that. But after it is just back to business, at least that's how it should be in my opinion and what I expected myself to do. Like I said, I was happy about the score but also had the perspective that it didn't change anything.
And when I compared that mindset to others', I actually noticed that I had the same mindset as them last year. Using the big score(s) as excuse. The next day you are going to grind, get destroyed and you are like: "whatever, I won really big yesterday". And you use that excuse every single day you get destroyed. Big scores also tend to make people lazy, because now they don't have to hunt the next score, they are good for now. They don't grind as much anymore. They don't study as much anymore because they win now.. and slowly but surely they end up in a downwards spiral which they do not seem to be able to snap out off. The same thing happened to me last year, great January and then... nothing. Took me 3 months to get back on track, to put volume in again, to study again, to be hungry again. During those 3 months, I was not happy, I was empty, I was drained. So have that perspective, that a score doesn't change anything. That you have to keep working, continue to stay hungry. That is a trait that a lot of great share, they continue to stay hungry.
The downfall
The reason why I felt empty and drained after scores, is because I found out that it is not the money or the "top" that makes me happy. It is the chase. If I do not stream, if I do not create posts for socials, if I do not engage with the community, my happiness drops. Because that is what I feed off, that's where I get my fuel. If I just sit around and play Fortnite all day.. I lose momentum, I lose happiness, I feel tired, drained, unproductive... I sleep longer when I do, can't get out of my bed, drink less water and more soda... So for me it is essential to keep working, to keep chasing, because once I slow down... I start destroying myself and my mindset. And the same thing was slowly creeping in over the past week. Sure I created the Thrill highlight, which cost me lots of time, I created some social posts... But I wasn't studying, I wasn't always chasing. Instead I was playing Fortnite, watching Youtube.. but I am putting that to a stop now.
I have been able to meditate each day and will continue to do so. I finished Think and Grow Rich and just started Ego is the enemy. I will be upping my volume, when it comes to streaming, when it comes to playing, when it comes to posts on socials, when it comes to strategy posts in discord, when it comes to setting up collaborations (streamer league)... I am here to stay. I am here to play for the longterm, Fortnite, watching youtube.. it's not getting me anywhere and that's why it drains. Let's chase!