What if I stop?
First Blog update since the outcome of the Platinumpass challenge of RunItUp, I have already talked about it in a video that I posted on Youtube. Click here if you haven't seen it yet. So I am not going too in depth into what happened, we lost. The top 3 became a top 5, but unfortunately we did not manage to make it. 150 days of blood, sweat and tears, "gone", not enough for the top 5.
That's how it felt, I was emotional about it and forgot why I was doing it. Which was not for the platinumpass, it was for us, Team DiggingWinning. It was the first real check to see where we were at with our stream in other's streamers eyes, Jcarver, Lex etc, people that I really look up to. So not making it into the top 5, was and still is a smack in the face. Am I really not good enough? If I can't make it into the top 5, will I then ever get somewhere? If even everything I did in those 150 days wasn't enough, then what would be?
And that's where I am going to stop it. Does it feel that way? It sure does. But dwelling on it, complaining about it, is not going to get us any further. Oprah got fired because she wasn't good enough for television, Walt Disney got fired from the newspaper because he had no imagination... it looks like they still made it?! So why not me? Why can they not have been wrong about me? The channel has been doing better than ever, the community continues to grow and continues to get closer and closer. We start to execute on our ideas like the DW streamer league, which so far everybody seems to enjoy... I am not giving up on this, what we are building feels right, looks right and is right.
I am not going to quit because things get tough
We also have this funny thing going on, the downswing. Looking at our results graph... it looks like a ski slope. But money is just money and results are just results. It's about what comes with that. With declining results or lack of results, comes self doubt. Losing confidence. With that, losing the enjoyment of the game. You start questioning yourself. What am I doing it for? Can I still beat this game? What if I stop? Yes that thought went through my mind. But it is not an option, I am not going to quit because things get tough. I still enjoy it. Maybe not always when I get smacked in the face, but still every day I get up I am stoked to play. If that wasn't the case, I wouldn't be able to put so much time in it as I am now, but I would go look for something else instead.
I am not going to wait for things to turn around, hoping for that one big score. That's just not how it works. Every single day is just a stepping stone, an opportunity to improve. If you don't take that stepping stone, if you don't learn how to swim, then when you do get that big score and take that massive leap you may drown. So the coming days, even though I find it tough to always find the motivation to study and improve, especially when you do not see any pay off, I am going into the lab. Taking those stepping stones, learning how to swim, asking for help if I can't figure it out. That will help me improve, grow my confidence and gain momentum. Just hoping and saying F this game, I just have to get lucky one time, I am so unlucky... is the best way to not become successful. Not just in poker, but in life.
This is the first time for me, that nothing works out, the first real test. I am not going to give up on the first real test, come on, I am not a quitter. Instead I am going to triple down, work even harder and make it more likely that we are going to succeed. Things don't always come to you, sometimes you have to work for it and eat shit day in day out. Your actions have to match your ambitions. If you want to become the best poker player in the world, then you have to live like one. Becoming the number 1 poker player is not my goal, but becoming a solid winning player, who enjoys his day to day, sure is. I called my brand DiggingWinning for a reason. Yes it is all about having fun, but don't you have more fun when you win?