The truth of the grind
As you may know by now, me and partypoker Team Online parted ways on Thursday 21 May. From that point there were multiple options; most obvious one moving away from poker like I said 2 months ago, considering I don’t see much longevity for myself in poker. I don’t see myself grinding MTT’s at 50 years old. One of the biggest reasons to play poker is the freedom that can come with it, it’s definitely not the hourly as there are tons of ways that come with less stress and that will make you more money. But I also think there are options that can give you that freedom too, so why do I play so much lately?
To be really fair, the only reason why I am back grinding… is to prove myself and with that prove everyone else wrong. I would not be able to stomach me moving away from poker being seen as me being unable to succeed. I think to this day I have always been the underdog when it comes to streaming poker, which makes it so tough to deal with bricking deep runs. You are only as good as your last at bat. Yesterday we ran deep in the $109 Bounty Builder on Pokerstars and finished 12th.. there was $14K+ for 1st, lost JJ<AK for an average final table stack and later on 99<KQs for 1.5x average final table stack. These things happen, but they have been happening for three years. It is not the first time I bust final two tables in a tournament with $10K+ for 1st.. 3 weeks ago for example I finished 12th in the $55 gladiator with $200K GTD. Every time it happens it becomes more a thing, almost like a curse.
If everything was green grass and high tides, it would not hurt as much
Everything that I say and everything that I do is to try to get to a better place. The reason I work as hard as I do, is because I hope it changes things for the better. It has to be better than the alternative of doing nothing and staying where I am. There is no fulfillment, there is no happiness or enjoyment.. it’s empty… it is purely transactional. The reason why I try to work on my mindset, try to look more at the positives.. is only to make sure I continue going and don’t slow down.
Would things have changed if I won yesterday? Most likely not, I think it would have given me joy for a day.. to then realize nothing changed. The only thing that keeps me going is hope, sometimes the hope ebs away and it becomes tough. But giving up is just not an option, quitting is not speeding up the process.
So what is next? I am happy to see that the DW community is doing well, that the streams are decent and you guys are excited to watch. I will continue to work on myself, as player, streamer and as person. I will continue documenting that story, show you the good days and the bad days. I know by being so open in my blogs and streams, I make myself vulnerable for the continued negativity. But maybe it helps one of you, if that is the case it is worth it for me.
