The Doubts
The past 2 weeks have been pretty good, although the end has been a bit weird. I have been really happy with the schedule we are on now of streaming Monday, Wednesday and Saturday. I think it leaves a lot of room for creativity and other projects like all the social media content I put out. Results wise it has also been super good, for everyone who missed the graph:and on top of that came the $109 Bounty Hunter win for $1978 last Wednesday. So you would say: Nice let's keep this up, everything going according to plan! And I would argue, yes you may indeed think that way.. but it doesn't feel that way currently. Here we go again you might think.I came off that high of winning that $109, although in all honesty it didn't feel like that. I can't really recall how I felt after I won it, it was almost like it didn't happen, like it was just another day in the office. The days after I was working hard on creating new content like the Isildur hand for example as well as the highlight video of the $109. Saturday was a weird day, the stream felt off, not as energetic and vibing as I expected or at least was hoping for it to be after winning a tournament and having new Christmas emotes. But that excitement wasn't there, at least I didn't feel it from chat's side but also not from my own. The $109 is the biggest tournament I can win in the schedule I am playing. If this is how that feels.. is it worth all the painful days that I lose and all the work that I put in?
I am afraid I may not be doing the right thing and that I can't go back
It got me to think about the work I am doing and the direction I am heading in to. I am really trying to help people and be valuable. Creating a community where people help and learn from each other. But it sometimes really feels like I am not succeeding in that goal at all. It still feels lonely, just as lonely as 2 years back. If winning a $109 only gets 100 views on Youtube, is it worth all the hours I put in? If I still have the same sub count as 2 years ago, am I then indeed having a positive impact on people that gets them to support the cause? If people really love what we are building, the value we bring in discord, on socials etc... why do people then still leave after a few months? Now people are for sure gonna tell me that I am succeeding at that goal and that they do find a lot of help in the things that I do, but why does it not feel that way? Why is there no real data to back it up? So it makes me anxious. I am afraid that I may not be doing the right thing and that I can't go back. Am I wasting my resources/talent whatever you want to call it? Is there something else I can do where people do care about more than just the poker? Yea.. I really said that, because it really feels like that to me.So this all comes down to why are you doing what you are doing. And maybe I am also doing it for the wrong reasons or maybe the right reasons, but there is no way to feel good about it. Because I also don't want to ride the highs of wins and compliments and getting crushed by losses and hate. It creates this super weird dynamic, where you don't want to link your self worth to your view/sub/like count.. but at the end if that goes down or doesn't go up or whatever... you still do. Maybe this is just a common downswing in emotions and I just have to be patient. But these doubts.. they are there. Those feelings.. those are real. People may argue it is not smart to post this... and once again they may be right, but once again: I am documenting and this is how I feel.